He has the power to repair fillings with a laser beam that shoots from his crotch. He can run the speed of an average white 40-year-old male. He fears only small dogs, which cause him to wet his shorts. He is Captain Compete (aka USC alum Will Ferrell), and he miraculously appeared on the turf during football practice yesterday. Thank God he did.
The Captain, friend of Coach Pete Carroll, showed his Trojan allegiance—and considerably more, given his stained, ill-fitting costume—catching a man plummeting from a camera tower. Only moments later, the winded, unshaven superhero doused a burning victim with Gatorade, mere seconds after the flames had already been extinguished.
Postheroics, the Captain revealed his archenemy: "That damn Notre Dame leprechaun—I live to fight him every day."