Jessie J is reflecting on her emotional pain after experiencing a miscarriage last year.
In a Aug. 19 Instagram post, the British pop star recalled how at age 16, she wrote a list of things she wanted by the time she was 30. "1st thing on the list was to be a Mum," she wrote. "Now I'm nearly 35 and some days the grief of losing a baby and it not being easy to have one, and wanting my life in that way to look completely different to what it looks like right now just overwhelms me."
She continued, "I know it's healthy and normal to have days of complete sadness and to honour all the feelings that come up, good and bad. The bad isn't often at all and yes I could go through this moment right now today alone in private and usually do, but today I am here. Because I know thousands of people around the [world] feel just like I do. Maybe you read this and feel the love I have for you. I hope you can. Connecting is key. Hugging you all."
Many social media users, including Ariana Grande, liked Jessie's post, which also received hundreds of supportive comments from fans. "Thank you Jessie for this post," one of them wrote. "I needed someone to say those words so much. Love you."
Last November, Jessie shared the news that she had gotten pregnant and had suffered a miscarriage. In a deeply personal Instagram post, she said that a day earlier, she went in for an ultrasound and was told there was no longer a fetal heartbeat.
Hours after sharing her news, Jessie performed an acoustic show in Los Angeles, where she also opened up about her pregnancy loss. "I decided to have a baby by myself," she told the audience, tearfully, "and then by a miracle, it worked for a little while. And yesterday, yeah, yesterday was f--king s--t."
Jessie also spoke about her ordeal on the Diary of a CEO podcast this past May. "I woke up one morning, i was like, 'Oh, I don't feel right.' I still had very intense nausea. I just knew something wasn't the same."
She continued, "I went to the doctor's and [there's] that dreadful silence when you first have a scan and they kind of don't say anything. And I was like, 'Just tell me the truth. What's going on?' and she said, 'Your baby's heartbeat is very low and there's this like, ring.' And I was like, 'What does that mean?' And she said, 'It often means that the baby will have some sort of disability or deformity.'"
Jessie said she was offered a blood test but opted to drive to another doctor's office for a second opinion. While getting another ultrasound there, a few hours later, she was told there was no longer a fetal heartbeat.
The singer also spoke about her decision to perform her concert after her loss. "The hardest part for me was wasn't doing the show," she said. "The show was actually kind of a weird, trippy dream and I was actually just really grateful that I wasn't by myself and that loads of people that I loved turned up and came and were at the show."
Jessie continued, "I got in the car after the show, by myself, and I got home and I opened my front door and I closed the door and I fell to my knees. That was the worst moment of the whole experience, was me realizing that other than my career, being a mother and having a child has been the biggest excitement of my life."
The 34-year-old said she is grateful she "got to experience being pregnant," adding, "It's honestly brought me to some of the happiest moments that I've felt because...it's opened the door for me to love myself deeper. I'm still processing the whole thing and I still have moments of intense sadness and grief, but I also have moments of excitement knowing that I won't do it alone."